Patience

The freckles on my face
A pattern made for you alone
There is a map that leads to you

I love your voice
It it the most beautiful I ever heared
Can you make sure I belong to you
I know that you have had many girls in your bed

Still I desire you to be my first
I am gracefully naked
I know and therefor love my body
The most intense orgasms I have when I think of you

My imagination has lead me on
Years of days and hours
I come back to you
There is a map in my life with your name on it

I am clueless why there is this attraction and comfort with you
Sometimes It is from above
I am not sure what my role on this earth is.. I just preserve my body for you

A fantasy for the rest of my days

Adore you,

Shivafeli

My sweetheart

As quiet is the loss
In a place where the silence is serene
I miss you sweetheart

I cry like a baby for your loss
Wishing a love with could entail more
Keep on playing and loving

Heavenly love
It has me desire the judgmentday even more
Serene sleep

Desire many things and put faith above them all
Discipline will persevere
Desires should be let go off
The transformation of a  butterfly during the time on earth

I choose to make what was good to want, what I wanted
And after the adolescence of my transformation I became the image I once had of healthy and good
Demons can only be defeated when you force to transform yourself

By giving more you build more

Today I let go of the desire for one man, I let you go,
Today I let go of the earthly feelings, my family on thy earth will always surround me from heaven
Today I acknowledge that my grief is an egoistic process for I miss you for not being able.to be with me on earth

Thy blue eyes, laughter of a five months old, it will be felt through the serene force of heaven
Your energy is well preserved
A loving soul

I adore you so,

Shivafeli

Fine, fine, fine

I am 22 years of age and will live as if this is my last year
Perhaps love won’t be part of it physically
I do remember the image I had of you
In my mind and fantasies you were an oasis of a treasure that never could be lived upon this earth

The passing to the new world is key

Ambitions to contribute to this zone
A war free zone of studies, goals and catching ten minutes of sunlight when the day is bright

Goals and ambitions in organisations, sports and family friendship

I can not achieve true love
It must be given to me by the divine

I let you go
I set you free

For the divine knows I should focuss on goals that are set for me

The path unknown
I salute your strength, my body belongs to my soulmate
Even though I desired you, the vision of you and me has faded ever since

The hardship of losing you when I never had you from the start
Your eyes are wonderful
Reminding me of my creator

I love you dearly, secretly and I do not know why thy brain had a way of linking your eyes to my heart
Even when it solely was special in my own mind

Feelings change as people come and go
Maybe you and I
Were never meant to be
After three years of wishing to see you again and being filled with joy when it did

Suddenly your presence did not strike me.anymore
This normal John doe
I feel at ease yet a little awkward for the sex in the air was missing
Is this the time I will see your true colors?  I frankly don’t care anymore

Mourning and fighting for survival
Love is even flying away from me
I am glad that you are still alive
The soulmate connection is not here or my feelings will return after 3 years

The map that leads to you,

Shivafeli

Floorseat

I make this moment the moment I have for life
A war free zone
Waiting at the train station and finally I bought something

A few seconds of rest became 10 minutes
Staring and observing around
Comparing the houses I saw outside of the trainwindow to the gestures I now see

I remember someone from the past
Whenever I am with you current situations are dealing
While I preserve you as a memory from my past
Distractions are good

When life is focussed on passion and goals
Sometimes the best way to deal with people is to walk away
Let it be

Handsome strangers come and go
Yet in the blink of an eye
I could relive this moment for life
A new country, a different city
Nothing new for a birds that steals hearts with thy eye

They are waiting for the clock to pass 13
To click and tick away
Dream underneath your deathbed
Dive deep down under

Love thy soul,

Shivafeli

Love life.

The feelings are gone
I can now see you as an ordinary person in the crowd
Dear human, I once called you my prince

Now I don’t feel it anymore
The fantasy of a love with you
Dating you
It has flown away

I don’t even really like you anymore
You’re just there

True love is when souls connected
I adored you and loved the imaginations I had of you

Unreachable and far away
When you came close
It all dropped
I do not know if itself happened by my mourning and the responsibilities I have..

It happened
I wish you well as any other one
And I stay away

To no longer have you on my mind is pleasantly freeing,

Shivafeli

Dear addict

It has only been a couple of days but she is drinking again
Left in the afternoon and have not heared from her in 24 hours
Dear addict,
Do not let the addiction play you as people have in the past
Do not close off your thoughts for the outside world of your loving family
Stop hanging around with ‘friends’ that buy you stuff and expect money in return
Dear addict,
You are part of my family yet when you are missing the thoughts of what could have happened to you still scare me
The evil grin on your face of satisfaction shows you seek excitement in all the wrong ways
Mentally ill
Traumatised perhaps

In numbness I hope today is not the day that I will have emergency services calling my door
Today is not the day I am telling others you were drinking again
Today is not the day that I wash away the fluids of your bottles with water
It is in the trash can and I’m not going through your stuff

You are Intoxicated and will do it again and again till you hit your lowest and then again and again

For I feel you embrace the victim role
You do all things, hang around with all the people that trigger this
You let yourself be abused

In numbness and sadness
The support system is thinking about feeling a life without making your life burdens as my own

I feel sick when I think of you
Yet I love you for you are a sibling
One of four, the only one who let others take advantage of her
Why oh why lord

Does this happen
She choose the road of the devil
Lying and manipulating
This struggle has been 8 years

How many more times she tries to assault me
Break down her home
Before she goes out on the street like this
Ruins her life

Why doesn’t she feel deep from the inside that she needs help and wants to change

One day I will say my last goodbyes
I would like to have the time for a relationship
Instead of trying to take care of you

I cannot help you anymore
Come to conclusions that all my hard work is worth nothing
Even the best support system can’t help you..

Get more help
Go to more meetings
Daily

My words are taken away by the wind
They have never reached you
‘Sorry but…’
You have never been truly sorry

Addicts can only feel their own pain.

It is hard, the support system needs rest too,

Shivafeli

The weird senses of goodbye

There is absence in your eyes
In a weird way I have known forever and ways ahead I would meet you
Attracted to men who resembled you

Delft.. I do not know how or when
That moment I decided to stare back instead of lowering my gaze
Christianity and modesty was broken when I looked up
Your eyes lit up and eyebrows reached high..
I stared right back at you

So no.. I can not get rid of this coat
The coat in which you approached me with lovely words years later
Eyes and a smile that opened up the heavens

It is safe to watch you from a distance
Between the shadow and the soul
Pablo neruda spoke the words of admiration

From that moment on I was blankly calm
One day you will be mine
We will have two boys
You will die before me
And I will love you till eternity

It has been spoken..
I am not sure how or when
If this dream is my role.. I would gladly accompany you to your final goal

This dream is strange for I seem calm
Agreeing with destiny
While I am sure… what I need is not always what I want

Adore you,

Shivafeli