Relapse

I wrote this for myself
This time I have the wisdom that I have to respond with ‘maturity’ to the spiteful and malicious actions
I’m studying late so the alcoholic doesn’t win

Libraries are a gift for family members of addicts
I have to respond out of wisdom and not out of frustrations

I wrote this out of frustrations on your last relapse:

Dear addict Im losing sight of who you used to be without your addiction

You will die young
You laugh away the pain of others and cannot cry anymore

I feel as you own less and less of your soul
A drunk fool

I hope you actually stop drinking
I don’t believe you can stop
For your will to destroy is larger than anything ever

I despise your behaviour

I wrote this out of wisdom:
Yet every time weeks pass by without you drinking

I build up this hope
Because my love for you never goes away
Malicious and manipulated I can not be if I choose myself first

To God I prayed for your punishment and I prayed for help for you and myself first
Rationally I see this as a lost cause
Emotionally I will have to distance myself while you will always be my sibling

I wish she was dead I spoke out of frustrations
I cry when she relapses
I never have the resolution

Cut all contact when you have shared a childhood
Yet becoming two total different people
I wonder why
Why you still battle insecurities

I don’t know what to say on your deathbed
I don’t love you as a human only as my sister

You are so mean,

Shivafeli

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