Handing me a bottle

I clean your room again
Prepare healthy meals
Hope you are able to grow up

Please be strong and man the fuck up

You are no princess
Fight for survival

Adore you,

Shivafeli

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The life we live

I just feel numb
You should have come to life

Tomorrow is the day I write my letter for the honours programme
The ambiguity of life

In the truest core of this mind
I understand and love you non less regardless
In the truest essence of my being
I have not seen you anymore yet your presence protects me

I feel the support and energy of guardian angels as it is life
Opening up to others about emotions will forever be work in progress

I do challenge myself to be more open about it
Processing things is part of life

I have come to a phase that the numbness has taken over
Nothing seems to reach me as the support of my Lord

I feel most at ease when I focus on my faith
Training is something I love
Studying challenges me to speak more about knowledge
Sharing a legacy

The pain you are going through destroys this all
For I want you to be happy
Only your heart has broken
Your child was sent

To a place where it will all makes sense on one day
I feel your loss as if it is my own
For I have never ever fallen in love
The dream of a family torned from earth

I hope things get better
I’m thinking of you
And I know it’s for the better
She has been protected

Shivafeli

Teach me how to dance

With you
Touching with your bare fingertips
Confident and vunerable vunerability reaches my heart
Your confidence speaks to my soul

Reality is not so pleasant
Yet it frees you when you get to see someone beautiful make a real mistake
How classical music
The violins and trumpet triumphs over sonnet pianos

With you
I treat my body as a temple
Because my soul needs to be cleansed
Frustrations need to make forever place for wisdom

I will work my way up
Surrounded by those who verbally and physically destroy
Don’t take me with you in your fall
I won’t let you

Good overcomes evil
The emotional support I find in religion
Is support I rationally can’t find in any human

Only love prevails
Friends come and go,

Shivafeli

Relapse

I wrote this for myself
This time I have the wisdom that I have to respond with ‘maturity’ to the spiteful and malicious actions
I’m studying late so the alcoholic doesn’t win

Libraries are a gift for family members of addicts
I have to respond out of wisdom and not out of frustrations

I wrote this out of frustrations on your last relapse:

Dear addict Im losing sight of who you used to be without your addiction

You will die young
You laugh away the pain of others and cannot cry anymore

I feel as you own less and less of your soul
A drunk fool

I hope you actually stop drinking
I don’t believe you can stop
For your will to destroy is larger than anything ever

I despise your behaviour

I wrote this out of wisdom:
Yet every time weeks pass by without you drinking

I build up this hope
Because my love for you never goes away
Malicious and manipulated I can not be if I choose myself first

To God I prayed for your punishment and I prayed for help for you and myself first
Rationally I see this as a lost cause
Emotionally I will have to distance myself while you will always be my sibling

I wish she was dead I spoke out of frustrations
I cry when she relapses
I never have the resolution

Cut all contact when you have shared a childhood
Yet becoming two total different people
I wonder why
Why you still battle insecurities

I don’t know what to say on your deathbed
I don’t love you as a human only as my sister

You are so mean,

Shivafeli

It’s the sky today

Former
The lights were lit at a time the daylight was shining bright
Sun got us smiling today

It has lit me up like your smile used to do
It made me feel on top on the world
No insecurities
After I felt ugly around you for the first time, I never saw you since.. I needed time

A talk to the mountains
Nature and solemnly
With no words
Everything was given to me

An answer, the enlightenment

…. and weeks after that I never felt guilt for not stopping my brain to fantasize. .. I have never kissed or dated you… I have never been yours and yet I with my naive virgin brain had told myself mentally that I was yours

My.mind is stronger than the wildest for I have lost it all, even my faith before it was restored by God

Today I had a fantasy about two people
The special feeling you used to gave me was there
You were not in it
My brain used imagination to let me know that.I.could

The joys of love preserved to my heart
For it opens when God sees an opportunity or my eyes led astray

A fantasy for years has ended because you do not show that you want me anymore
It was all our chemistry was based on

I fell in love with the world and some of it’s people Today
To do good matters so much more
I don’t feel left out in life at any sense

I should never tell to just anyone I know that I’ve never was intimate with someone else than myself
Admiration for my own being
The older I become the more I value the happy feeling of spring
And my fantasies
Ten years of loving myself

For my imagination is better than anyone has ever described how sex between to people is to me
I’m sure you need to feel it
And if it’s an energy felt as lovely as the orgasms I give myself are

Or even this combined with the sense of another’s body
I’m sure God will grant me the best

Adore you,

Shivafeli

Ps. You just need to show that you want him or her

Break free

Time apart from home
Sore thighs, residence to the couch
A day for rest for the mind
Calmness, I hope to love you again

My destination has shift to the most important one
Jesus, interpretations of the scripture
I am so tired of not doing anything today

Lord I needed this day
Of being grateful for the accomplishments I made by grace of the lord
Today I saw that the desire for this young man was not a desire I would have while dying
I pray for his soul and that he may be the closest to the lord
I love you for that I saw the truth in your eyes

Freedom is being a slave to righteous
Do not be led astray

Adore you,

Shivafeli

Maybe it’s just the way

I see you in my life to come
Oh Heaven
I wait with good intentions
Then is the passing over…

Something’s lost
My eyes speak volumes louder than your ears hear
I can’t get it right

Will you roll through this
Today is too long
Inexplicable attraction
I never could ignore you

Even when I try.. al my senses are focussed on you
Out of sight
Do not want to be heartbroken

Maybe you are the desire I have to overcome.to recognize my real soulmate
This attraction could led me astray
Or point me towards you.. the dust in the wind

All of me brings me to you
My energy is felt
I love you as the last day on earth

You are my nature
I’ve hold your hand once
And I fell in love
I fell in love with you stranger at the busstop.. my brain.. my heart.. my soul they are all confused

You, not having my phone number, not taking me on dates, you reach me more with your eyes than anyone ever did

I adore you and I can not tell you this,

Shivafeli